From: Rights For Mothers


I had left work the other day for a little while…when I got back I found a prize from a child’s meal on my desk. Obviously left for one of my children by a coworker. I sighed and put it in my side drawer.

My coworkers have no clue that I have not seen my children in over a year. I haven’t talked with them, no pictures, nothing.  My coworkers know little of the custody battle that ensued almost constantly for five years, not only until my abuser had them, but not stopping until he managed to have all contact cut off, while crushing me financially. I have had to back away from close relationships to hide the fact that my children are no longer around. That frequently I don’t have a place to live, and my mechanically-challenged vehicle often serves as home. Folks think I have shared custody with my abuser (up to that point he had not abused the children…it has changed now as it often does), something that I asked for in court, not knowing that he was asking for sole custody (gee, aren’t your own lawyers suppose to be straight with you and tell you what’s going on?).  I avoid contact with local friends and coworkers so that conversation doesn’t lead to the children. But every once in a while, something like this happens, and my heart breaks a little more.  Other moms in this position understand, but most people don’t.  Only drug-using, psycho, bank robbing moms lose their kids.  (Yeah, right).  So often we suffer in silence, for if we speak out, we are punished.  So I trod off to the library or some free wifi spot every night to work on the internet on this issue.  I have hope that someday, someone will wake up and see what is happening to moms who have been abused.  It is starting to happen.

I was at another mom’s home the other night.  She had not seen or heard from her children in over a year also.  This is more common than you think.  Once a custody case starts sliding down that slippery slope, with your abuser getting a group of court whores together to give their paid-for testimony (which has nothing to do with reality), it won’t stop until he has cut off contact between you and your children.  Draining you financially and collecting child support will be the icing on the cake for him.   She spoke about the lack of support from her own family, and I have seen this as a common situation for moms also.  My friend told me her mother dropped her phone line, using only a cell phone now, and wouldn’t give her the phone number.  The siblings will not have anything to do with her.  During a time that a mom needs the most support, her own family drops her.  I cried with her because I understood.  My own family did the same thing.  Other than my own mother, who truly did understand because she had lost custody to her abuser (my father) when we were young, everyone else thought….”well, if a court found you not to be the best parent, then something must be wrong with you.”  My mother didn’t live to see what did end up happening, because she died an early death, no doubt tied to the abuse and stress of losing her children.  She would have understood the pain.  She died tortured by the thought I may lose my children also because abusers don’t stop until they have them.  And that breaks my heart even more.   So feel blessed if you have family standing with you, because this often isn’t the case.  If you are a mom whose family has dropped you like yesterday’s trash, you are not alone.

One more thing to touch on…a challenged mom called me last night, wondering what it was going to be like to start living in her van.  She wanted to know how I dealt with it when I first had to move into my vehicle.  I had watched this mom on the slippery slope over the past year…with her abusive ex-boyfriend eventually taking and cutting off all contact with the two young daughters about two months ago.  Again, upon the wishes of the control-freak ex-boyfriend, the biased court and the well-paid court whores overtake this previous stay at home mom like a pack of wolves after a newborn fawn, and destroy her.  She was court-ordered to pay over $900 a month in child support, and I am sure she doesn’t make that working the temporary jobs she is able to get as a low-skilled worker.  (BTW, the ex and his wife makes BUCKETS full of money).  I tried to comfort the mom…”it’s spring now sweetie, at least it won’t be so cold out now.”  I told her when I first started living in my vehicle, I had so many things go on at once so that the act of actually staying there was not as big of a deal as other things, like worrying about my children, who were now starting to be abused too.  Worrying about whether my vehicle would break down (which it has twice over the past year).  There are a significant group of moms I know that are homeless, so this isn’t a rarity either.  If you are in this situation, know you aren’t alone.  Don’t let it stop you though…keep moving forward to do what you can to change the system and get access to your children back.