from What About Him? by childrenunderground
January 16 2009
I can’t stop crying. I feel as if my life is falling apart again! I am so tired of fighting for every little piece of ‘peace and quiet.’ I don’t ever ask for anything for myself. I don’t mean to be a martyr but I had such a horrible child hood that all I ever wanted was a family of my own. Once I had children, all I ever wanted was for them to be safe. Do you know that when we first went to the child psychologist back in 1990 and she asked me if I thought my children were happy I replied “I don’t have time to worry if they are happy or not. I’m too busy trying to keep them safe.” I was 25 years old and so ashamed of my answer. Today I am filled with the same sense of shame.
I am so grateful to my wonderful daughter Jennifer and for all of you for standing up for me. I really feel like I don’t deserve it. I am ashamed that I am such a weakling. I don’t know how to defend myself because I sort of believe some of the horrible things that they are printing about me. I wish I was smarter, prettier, thinner, kinder, stronger, etc… I have to constantly remind myself that “People like me” aren’t only to serve others as my own mother, step-father and then husband constantly told me.
I wish you could know me here in the Netherlands. I love being a mother more than anything in the world! Here is a photo of me and my youngest daughter playing in the snow last week. I am really that kind, loving, happy mom that you see in the photo. I promise you that I am a good mother! I love being the mother of 10 super, amazing kids! They are all such good kids.
I feel so bad for Christopher. He is 16 years old and he keeps asking/telling me to “just do something about it.”and to “make things right.” How can I if his father doesn’t care about his well being because he is obsessed with punishing me for ruining his life by having the baby in the first place (16 years ago.)
I am pulled right back into my past of helplessness when Zachary once said to me “A good mother wouldn’t let them take her kids away.”
I am really trying to put up a brave front but I feel like I am dying inside. I would appreciate any advice you can give.
PS. Just in case, here are the web sites from my kids: